Sugar: Heroine of My Life

Today was the first time I admitted that sugar is my kryptonite. Sugar is my drug of choice. It is my drug addiction that I have been hiding since I was a child. It is my secret friend that I don't want others to know about. I hide it. I stash it. I hide it in the house. I hide it in my car. I hide it in my desk. I even try to hide it from myself. I think about it non-stop. I think about my next hit. I think about how to get it. I think about how I get it without others knowing. I hide the evidence. I hide the aftermath.

One of my few childhood memories is me hiding in the kitchen pantry eating melted butter mixed with sugar. Sometimes I would pour it over popcorn would I was feeling really guilty and shameful. My mom always tried to hide the Halloween candy and treats in the house. Sometimes I would find them and sometimes I would indulge but I always knew that was risky because someone could have been monitoring how many cookies were in the box or how much icecream was in the carton. But I thought I had cracked the code with my butter and sugar combo. How could anyone be tracking how much sugar was in the bag? Especially when I was the only one in the house who baked. I think I started baking to help hide the evidence that I steal sugar. Well that, and so I could lick the bowl. It is surprising I never got solmenelle with how much cake batter I ate.

When I was at boarding school, I would go to the school store and buy massive amounts of candy and chocolate muffins but only if no one was in the store. Heaven forbid anyone witness my sugar binging. I didn't want anyone to know about my addiction. It was horrible enough that the clerk was judging me. Sometimes I would buy tampons just to pretend it was a period binge, even though it really was just my addiction screaming at me. This is where I learned the importance of shoving the evidence in my school bag before anyone could see the evidence. Getting candy at the store was a huge secret drug deal. I would linger in the aisles until the checkout cleared, I couldn't let anyone see me standing in line or checking out with all that candy. If people were around I would have to buy magazines and random school spirit shirts just to hide the evidence while standing in line. Shopping on campus set me up for a lifetime of sneaky drug dealing actions.

The addition of access to a car opened a whole new window for hiding my addiction. I would hit up different convinent stores so the clerks wouldn't know how bad my addiction was. With this new revelation I was able to up my dosage of sugar without anyone knowing. The worst was when I would run into someone at the store and have to throw my stash in the closest shelf so they wouldn't see what I was buying. I was so afraid of what others would think if they saw my addiction. I was so afraid they would judge me. How could they not judge my actions? I was judging myself.

My homework this week: work through my sugar addiction and the emotions of shame & guilt that strangle me.

Changing My Mindset

Getting over an eating disorder is a long a gruesome process. Sometimes I feel like I have made zero progress and there is no end in site. It is always refreshing when I reminded by others about how far I have come. I have a tendency to never accept my triumphs and only focus on my stumbles. Today I was reminded that even one step forward is still a step closer to the finish line. The one step is a huge accomplishment and shouldn't be ignored.

I learned that I am no longer binging. (Pause for a triumphic yeah!) I, of course, was beating myself up for "binging" this past week but when I re-hashed my accounts, it turned out I am just "over indulging". I am not eating based on feelings, shoving down the pain with food. Nope. I was just not paying attention to my portion size. Eating too much with no invisible string attached to my emotions is just over-indulging not binging. Learning to control my portion size is less daunting than facing the emotions of binging. I am so relived to learn that I am over indulging without emotional reasons, than my old habit of force feeding my mouth with food in order to cover the stabbing pain in my heart.

Now the trick is to learn moderation without restricting. "Restriction" the evil wall I put up just begging me to rebel against. Now "moderation" is much more realistic. When you are allowed to have a bite than the temptation whispers less in your ear. That is why dieting never worked for me. Dieting was restriction in big bold letters. Dieting was just begging me to rebel and binge. I was setting myself up for failure. With moderation there is no failing. Moderation wants you to succeed and live a comfortable life where you don't have to walk on egg shells anymore.

It is time for me to change my mindset. What do I want? What makes my body feel alive? What do I love? It is time for me to set-up a lifestyle & mindset that supports the life I want. The goal is to have a active lifestyle with a balanced and moderate eating plan. Once I change my mindset to be "I do this because I love it. Because it makes me feel great" then all the pieces will fall into place. The food is just a tool used to support the lifestyle I want.