Sugar: Heroine of My Life

Today was the first time I admitted that sugar is my kryptonite. Sugar is my drug of choice. It is my drug addiction that I have been hiding since I was a child. It is my secret friend that I don't want others to know about. I hide it. I stash it. I hide it in the house. I hide it in my car. I hide it in my desk. I even try to hide it from myself. I think about it non-stop. I think about my next hit. I think about how to get it. I think about how I get it without others knowing. I hide the evidence. I hide the aftermath.

One of my few childhood memories is me hiding in the kitchen pantry eating melted butter mixed with sugar. Sometimes I would pour it over popcorn would I was feeling really guilty and shameful. My mom always tried to hide the Halloween candy and treats in the house. Sometimes I would find them and sometimes I would indulge but I always knew that was risky because someone could have been monitoring how many cookies were in the box or how much icecream was in the carton. But I thought I had cracked the code with my butter and sugar combo. How could anyone be tracking how much sugar was in the bag? Especially when I was the only one in the house who baked. I think I started baking to help hide the evidence that I steal sugar. Well that, and so I could lick the bowl. It is surprising I never got solmenelle with how much cake batter I ate.

When I was at boarding school, I would go to the school store and buy massive amounts of candy and chocolate muffins but only if no one was in the store. Heaven forbid anyone witness my sugar binging. I didn't want anyone to know about my addiction. It was horrible enough that the clerk was judging me. Sometimes I would buy tampons just to pretend it was a period binge, even though it really was just my addiction screaming at me. This is where I learned the importance of shoving the evidence in my school bag before anyone could see the evidence. Getting candy at the store was a huge secret drug deal. I would linger in the aisles until the checkout cleared, I couldn't let anyone see me standing in line or checking out with all that candy. If people were around I would have to buy magazines and random school spirit shirts just to hide the evidence while standing in line. Shopping on campus set me up for a lifetime of sneaky drug dealing actions.

The addition of access to a car opened a whole new window for hiding my addiction. I would hit up different convinent stores so the clerks wouldn't know how bad my addiction was. With this new revelation I was able to up my dosage of sugar without anyone knowing. The worst was when I would run into someone at the store and have to throw my stash in the closest shelf so they wouldn't see what I was buying. I was so afraid of what others would think if they saw my addiction. I was so afraid they would judge me. How could they not judge my actions? I was judging myself.

My homework this week: work through my sugar addiction and the emotions of shame & guilt that strangle me.

Changing My Mindset

Getting over an eating disorder is a long a gruesome process. Sometimes I feel like I have made zero progress and there is no end in site. It is always refreshing when I reminded by others about how far I have come. I have a tendency to never accept my triumphs and only focus on my stumbles. Today I was reminded that even one step forward is still a step closer to the finish line. The one step is a huge accomplishment and shouldn't be ignored.

I learned that I am no longer binging. (Pause for a triumphic yeah!) I, of course, was beating myself up for "binging" this past week but when I re-hashed my accounts, it turned out I am just "over indulging". I am not eating based on feelings, shoving down the pain with food. Nope. I was just not paying attention to my portion size. Eating too much with no invisible string attached to my emotions is just over-indulging not binging. Learning to control my portion size is less daunting than facing the emotions of binging. I am so relived to learn that I am over indulging without emotional reasons, than my old habit of force feeding my mouth with food in order to cover the stabbing pain in my heart.

Now the trick is to learn moderation without restricting. "Restriction" the evil wall I put up just begging me to rebel against. Now "moderation" is much more realistic. When you are allowed to have a bite than the temptation whispers less in your ear. That is why dieting never worked for me. Dieting was restriction in big bold letters. Dieting was just begging me to rebel and binge. I was setting myself up for failure. With moderation there is no failing. Moderation wants you to succeed and live a comfortable life where you don't have to walk on egg shells anymore.

It is time for me to change my mindset. What do I want? What makes my body feel alive? What do I love? It is time for me to set-up a lifestyle & mindset that supports the life I want. The goal is to have a active lifestyle with a balanced and moderate eating plan. Once I change my mindset to be "I do this because I love it. Because it makes me feel great" then all the pieces will fall into place. The food is just a tool used to support the lifestyle I want. 

Half Way

"Remember success is never giving up." - Billy Tiernan 

I have been here 6 weeks. I have 6 weeks to go. And it gets harder each day.  After having another week of not losing weight I became a mess. I used my pain and anger to push myself during my workouts. I cried my eyes out for 4 miles today but I ran a 10 minute mile instead of my usual 17 minute mile walk. My knees hurt but I keep pushing. I took out my frustration on the trail and on the weights in the gym.

I am mad at myself for cheating last week. Mat at myself that I don't have the will power and strength to stay on the program. Mad at myself for being weak and giving in to temptation. Mad at myself for not seeking God for help but enjoying the temptations. Mad at myself because I know I am better than this. 

I feel very lost and weak. I'm struggling with my pain and wrestling with my strength. I realized I need to turn this journey over to God and let him carry the weight (no pun intended) of my life.

"His mercies are new every single morning sweet girl." - Grace LaMaster

It is time I refocus on my journey. It is time for me to take time for myself. It is time I honor God. 

Tips From the Chef

Cooking class with the resort's chef are my favorite moments of the week. Last week she shared some great tips to eating and cooking healthy.

•  Fresh Herbs are a must. Buy a couple plants for your kitchen window. The best are parsley, thyme, basil, rosemary, mint and chives. You can add them to almost everything to add flavor without adding calories. 
• There are two kinds of pepper: white and black. Both should be in peppercorn form and ground up when being added to a dish. 
•  Spend money on vinegar - $20 to $40 is about right. Buy varities to enhance your dishes. (Chocolate Balsamic Vinegar is great to put on Greek yogurt w/ strawberries for dessert)
• Buy your veggies locally. 
• Find a local butcher and fish market to get fresh meats. 
• Fish should never smell. It should be clean and shiny. Tuesdays & Thursdays are the best days to buy because they are fresh. 
• Presentation makes a BIG difference in your meals. Buy smaller and unique plates.
• You don't need to add salt to your dishes. Use citrus instead. 
• Olive oil enhances the flavors of your dish. Keep in a dark place (definitely not the fridge). Canola & Grape Seed oil are good for cooking because they won't burn or evaporate. Olive oil is best used to drizzle over a finished meal. 
• Pantry staples: brown rice, dry seaweed or kale, mustard, canned tuna, quinoa (buy in the bag not a box), lentil stew. 
• Shop & prepare on Sundays. Cut & wash your veggies and lettuce. Cook the chicken & quinoa. Make your dressing. Put in ziplock bags with labels. Use the vegetable ends and scraps to make a vegetable broth (water, veggies and bay leaves - cook up until boiling point and then let sit for 30 min) 
• Dressings: add salt to vinegar before adding oil 
• Soups: add salt after finishing with a acid 
• Tomatoes LOVE black pepper
• Soft cook fish -- cook in a pan with oil. If cook then finish in the oven at 325 degrees. 
• A pan is hot when the oil sizzles 
• Fish: to help fish last longer, store on crushed ice with salt. Fill pan with ice and generously cover with salt. Put the fish in a ziplock bag and place on top of ice salt. Cover with foil (fish hate light!). This gives fish two extra days in the fridge. 
• Ginger: keep in a ziplock bag in the freezer
• Best kitchen buys: 1. Microplane grater (use to zest citrus, grate cheese, and press garlic and ginger) 2. Fish Spatula (can use on fish, pancakes, and veggies) 3. Hand held juicer (for citrus)
• Salts: Kosher is best for cooking because it is finer and melts. Sea Salt & Himalayan Salt are a finisher and should not be used when cooking.

RECIPE: Seared Tuna & Asian Slaw

When shopping for tuna ask your butcher for sushi grade tuna. It should not have a fishy smell and should be a reddish pink.

Seared Tuna

1. Heat your skillet and add grape seed oil to coat the bottom of the pan when melted.
2. Season the tuna with blackening cajun spice.
3. Place tuna in skillet to cook. Turn when cooked 1/8 thru and then remove when other side is cooked 1/8 thru.

Asian Slaw
Mix together Napa cabbage, carrots, bell peppers, bean sprouts, chopped garlic, ginger zest, lime zest & juice, Furikake (seaweed & sesame), salt & pepper, jalapeno and a drizzle of olive oil.

RECIPE: Salmon

When buying salmon look for the following: skin that is firm and not slimmy & no fishy smell. If buying frozen then don't buy it with skin because it won't cook crispy.

1. Heat the skillet and then add a teaspoon or two of grape seed oil (enough to coat the pan).
2. Dry the skin and season with salt & pepper.
3. The pan must be HOT in order to make the skin crispy. Place fish in the skillet with the skin side down. Flip when the skin is crispy and the meat is cooked a 1/4 thru.
4. Turn the heat off to finish cooking.
5. While still in the pan, sprinkle with cilantro and parsley. Squeeze one lemon into the pan.
6. Remove when fish is cooked to medium.

To serve: Place slices tomato & cucumber onto the plate. Drizzle lightly with cold pressed oil. Season with salt. Top with bean sprouts or peppers for a little crunch. Serve with a lemon wedge.

RECIPE: Seafood Hot Pot

SEAFOOD HOT POT

Ingredients:
Prawns
Rainbow Trout (can substitute any white fish - salmon is too strong for soups)
Clams
Grape Seed Oil
Yellow Onions (or shallots) 
Garlic
Veggie broth
2 or 3 veggies - carrots, peppers, asparagus, zucchini, tomatoes, etc.
Herbs - cilantro, parsley and basil
Lime

1. Heat up your skillet and the add a teaspoon of grape seed oil. Let oil heat up and melt creating a nice wax layer on the pan.
2. Add a cup of chopped yellow onions to the skillet. Add your aromatics first when making a soup.
3. When onions are clear add the seafood. Cook until the fish is firm to the touch and clams have opened.
4. Add grated garlic.
5. Add enough veggie broth to cover the seafood.
6. Add your veggies.
7. Finish with herbs & citrus. Sprinkle in cilantro & parsley. Naturally tear the basil when cut the leaves bruise. Zest lime and add juice.

*Quinoa would be a great addition to the soup.