Sugar: Heroine of My Life

Today was the first time I admitted that sugar is my kryptonite. Sugar is my drug of choice. It is my drug addiction that I have been hiding since I was a child. It is my secret friend that I don't want others to know about. I hide it. I stash it. I hide it in the house. I hide it in my car. I hide it in my desk. I even try to hide it from myself. I think about it non-stop. I think about my next hit. I think about how to get it. I think about how I get it without others knowing. I hide the evidence. I hide the aftermath.

One of my few childhood memories is me hiding in the kitchen pantry eating melted butter mixed with sugar. Sometimes I would pour it over popcorn would I was feeling really guilty and shameful. My mom always tried to hide the Halloween candy and treats in the house. Sometimes I would find them and sometimes I would indulge but I always knew that was risky because someone could have been monitoring how many cookies were in the box or how much icecream was in the carton. But I thought I had cracked the code with my butter and sugar combo. How could anyone be tracking how much sugar was in the bag? Especially when I was the only one in the house who baked. I think I started baking to help hide the evidence that I steal sugar. Well that, and so I could lick the bowl. It is surprising I never got solmenelle with how much cake batter I ate.

When I was at boarding school, I would go to the school store and buy massive amounts of candy and chocolate muffins but only if no one was in the store. Heaven forbid anyone witness my sugar binging. I didn't want anyone to know about my addiction. It was horrible enough that the clerk was judging me. Sometimes I would buy tampons just to pretend it was a period binge, even though it really was just my addiction screaming at me. This is where I learned the importance of shoving the evidence in my school bag before anyone could see the evidence. Getting candy at the store was a huge secret drug deal. I would linger in the aisles until the checkout cleared, I couldn't let anyone see me standing in line or checking out with all that candy. If people were around I would have to buy magazines and random school spirit shirts just to hide the evidence while standing in line. Shopping on campus set me up for a lifetime of sneaky drug dealing actions.

The addition of access to a car opened a whole new window for hiding my addiction. I would hit up different convinent stores so the clerks wouldn't know how bad my addiction was. With this new revelation I was able to up my dosage of sugar without anyone knowing. The worst was when I would run into someone at the store and have to throw my stash in the closest shelf so they wouldn't see what I was buying. I was so afraid of what others would think if they saw my addiction. I was so afraid they would judge me. How could they not judge my actions? I was judging myself.

My homework this week: work through my sugar addiction and the emotions of shame & guilt that strangle me.

Changing My Mindset

Getting over an eating disorder is a long a gruesome process. Sometimes I feel like I have made zero progress and there is no end in site. It is always refreshing when I reminded by others about how far I have come. I have a tendency to never accept my triumphs and only focus on my stumbles. Today I was reminded that even one step forward is still a step closer to the finish line. The one step is a huge accomplishment and shouldn't be ignored.

I learned that I am no longer binging. (Pause for a triumphic yeah!) I, of course, was beating myself up for "binging" this past week but when I re-hashed my accounts, it turned out I am just "over indulging". I am not eating based on feelings, shoving down the pain with food. Nope. I was just not paying attention to my portion size. Eating too much with no invisible string attached to my emotions is just over-indulging not binging. Learning to control my portion size is less daunting than facing the emotions of binging. I am so relived to learn that I am over indulging without emotional reasons, than my old habit of force feeding my mouth with food in order to cover the stabbing pain in my heart.

Now the trick is to learn moderation without restricting. "Restriction" the evil wall I put up just begging me to rebel against. Now "moderation" is much more realistic. When you are allowed to have a bite than the temptation whispers less in your ear. That is why dieting never worked for me. Dieting was restriction in big bold letters. Dieting was just begging me to rebel and binge. I was setting myself up for failure. With moderation there is no failing. Moderation wants you to succeed and live a comfortable life where you don't have to walk on egg shells anymore.

It is time for me to change my mindset. What do I want? What makes my body feel alive? What do I love? It is time for me to set-up a lifestyle & mindset that supports the life I want. The goal is to have a active lifestyle with a balanced and moderate eating plan. Once I change my mindset to be "I do this because I love it. Because it makes me feel great" then all the pieces will fall into place. The food is just a tool used to support the lifestyle I want. 

Half Way

"Remember success is never giving up." - Billy Tiernan 

I have been here 6 weeks. I have 6 weeks to go. And it gets harder each day.  After having another week of not losing weight I became a mess. I used my pain and anger to push myself during my workouts. I cried my eyes out for 4 miles today but I ran a 10 minute mile instead of my usual 17 minute mile walk. My knees hurt but I keep pushing. I took out my frustration on the trail and on the weights in the gym.

I am mad at myself for cheating last week. Mat at myself that I don't have the will power and strength to stay on the program. Mad at myself for being weak and giving in to temptation. Mad at myself for not seeking God for help but enjoying the temptations. Mad at myself because I know I am better than this. 

I feel very lost and weak. I'm struggling with my pain and wrestling with my strength. I realized I need to turn this journey over to God and let him carry the weight (no pun intended) of my life.

"His mercies are new every single morning sweet girl." - Grace LaMaster

It is time I refocus on my journey. It is time for me to take time for myself. It is time I honor God. 

Tips From the Chef

Cooking class with the resort's chef are my favorite moments of the week. Last week she shared some great tips to eating and cooking healthy.

•  Fresh Herbs are a must. Buy a couple plants for your kitchen window. The best are parsley, thyme, basil, rosemary, mint and chives. You can add them to almost everything to add flavor without adding calories. 
• There are two kinds of pepper: white and black. Both should be in peppercorn form and ground up when being added to a dish. 
•  Spend money on vinegar - $20 to $40 is about right. Buy varities to enhance your dishes. (Chocolate Balsamic Vinegar is great to put on Greek yogurt w/ strawberries for dessert)
• Buy your veggies locally. 
• Find a local butcher and fish market to get fresh meats. 
• Fish should never smell. It should be clean and shiny. Tuesdays & Thursdays are the best days to buy because they are fresh. 
• Presentation makes a BIG difference in your meals. Buy smaller and unique plates.
• You don't need to add salt to your dishes. Use citrus instead. 
• Olive oil enhances the flavors of your dish. Keep in a dark place (definitely not the fridge). Canola & Grape Seed oil are good for cooking because they won't burn or evaporate. Olive oil is best used to drizzle over a finished meal. 
• Pantry staples: brown rice, dry seaweed or kale, mustard, canned tuna, quinoa (buy in the bag not a box), lentil stew. 
• Shop & prepare on Sundays. Cut & wash your veggies and lettuce. Cook the chicken & quinoa. Make your dressing. Put in ziplock bags with labels. Use the vegetable ends and scraps to make a vegetable broth (water, veggies and bay leaves - cook up until boiling point and then let sit for 30 min) 
• Dressings: add salt to vinegar before adding oil 
• Soups: add salt after finishing with a acid 
• Tomatoes LOVE black pepper
• Soft cook fish -- cook in a pan with oil. If cook then finish in the oven at 325 degrees. 
• A pan is hot when the oil sizzles 
• Fish: to help fish last longer, store on crushed ice with salt. Fill pan with ice and generously cover with salt. Put the fish in a ziplock bag and place on top of ice salt. Cover with foil (fish hate light!). This gives fish two extra days in the fridge. 
• Ginger: keep in a ziplock bag in the freezer
• Best kitchen buys: 1. Microplane grater (use to zest citrus, grate cheese, and press garlic and ginger) 2. Fish Spatula (can use on fish, pancakes, and veggies) 3. Hand held juicer (for citrus)
• Salts: Kosher is best for cooking because it is finer and melts. Sea Salt & Himalayan Salt are a finisher and should not be used when cooking.

RECIPE: Seared Tuna & Asian Slaw

When shopping for tuna ask your butcher for sushi grade tuna. It should not have a fishy smell and should be a reddish pink.

Seared Tuna

1. Heat your skillet and add grape seed oil to coat the bottom of the pan when melted.
2. Season the tuna with blackening cajun spice.
3. Place tuna in skillet to cook. Turn when cooked 1/8 thru and then remove when other side is cooked 1/8 thru.

Asian Slaw
Mix together Napa cabbage, carrots, bell peppers, bean sprouts, chopped garlic, ginger zest, lime zest & juice, Furikake (seaweed & sesame), salt & pepper, jalapeno and a drizzle of olive oil.

RECIPE: Salmon

When buying salmon look for the following: skin that is firm and not slimmy & no fishy smell. If buying frozen then don't buy it with skin because it won't cook crispy.

1. Heat the skillet and then add a teaspoon or two of grape seed oil (enough to coat the pan).
2. Dry the skin and season with salt & pepper.
3. The pan must be HOT in order to make the skin crispy. Place fish in the skillet with the skin side down. Flip when the skin is crispy and the meat is cooked a 1/4 thru.
4. Turn the heat off to finish cooking.
5. While still in the pan, sprinkle with cilantro and parsley. Squeeze one lemon into the pan.
6. Remove when fish is cooked to medium.

To serve: Place slices tomato & cucumber onto the plate. Drizzle lightly with cold pressed oil. Season with salt. Top with bean sprouts or peppers for a little crunch. Serve with a lemon wedge.

RECIPE: Seafood Hot Pot

SEAFOOD HOT POT

Ingredients:
Prawns
Rainbow Trout (can substitute any white fish - salmon is too strong for soups)
Clams
Grape Seed Oil
Yellow Onions (or shallots) 
Garlic
Veggie broth
2 or 3 veggies - carrots, peppers, asparagus, zucchini, tomatoes, etc.
Herbs - cilantro, parsley and basil
Lime

1. Heat up your skillet and the add a teaspoon of grape seed oil. Let oil heat up and melt creating a nice wax layer on the pan.
2. Add a cup of chopped yellow onions to the skillet. Add your aromatics first when making a soup.
3. When onions are clear add the seafood. Cook until the fish is firm to the touch and clams have opened.
4. Add grated garlic.
5. Add enough veggie broth to cover the seafood.
6. Add your veggies.
7. Finish with herbs & citrus. Sprinkle in cilantro & parsley. Naturally tear the basil when cut the leaves bruise. Zest lime and add juice.

*Quinoa would be a great addition to the soup.

Quick Workout Idea

I found this great quick workout that targets every part of your body. I can't wait to try it at the gym tomorrow.

MOTIVATION

Need some motivation? Here are some great quotes I heard this week. 

"Respect your mind and your body."

"It is not that you shoot too high and miss but that you shoot too low and hit."

"The world is not against you but your mind might be." 

RECIPE: Salsas

Salsas are a wonderful item to have on hand. If you buy them in stores just double check that all the ingredients are whole foods and no preservatives and low sodium. But it is so easy to make salsa that you don't have to buy any more from the stores.

Salsa is great to spice up any meal - fish, chicken, eggs, tofu, veggies & red meat. It can be a marinade or a topping. Mix with Greek yogurt for a creamy topping.

ROASTED TOMATO SALSA

Ingredients:
Roma Tomatoes (any tomatoes work - just select the brightest colored ones because they are the freshest -- canned tomatoes works too, just make sure it is low sodium)
Red Onion
6 Garlic Cloves
Olive Oil 
1/2 Cup Cilantro (green onion or parsley works too)
Zest & juice of 1 lime

1. Cut the Roma tomatoes & red onions into eighths
2. Roast the tomatoes & onions with the whole garlic cloves in a 400 degree oven. Sprinkle with the 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Cook for 15 minutes uncovered.
3. Let them cool and then pour them into a blender.
4. Add the cilantro, lime zest and lime juice into the blender. Add a pinch of salt and pepper. Add a teaspoon of olive oil. (this will give us the texture we want)
5. Blend & serve.
*Last 5-6 days in the fridge

RAW SALSA (aka: PICO DE GALLO) 

Ingredients:
4 Tomatoes (trade for mangoes for a mango salsa)
1/4 Red Onion (shallots or white onions work too)
1 Garlic
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
Juice & zest of 1 lime
2 teaspoons of Olive Oil

Chop up the tomatoes (remove the seeds and pulp before dicing), onion, garlic, and cilantro into tiny pieces. Top with lime zest & juice, salt & pepper and 2 teaspoons of olive oil. Stir and serve.
*You can add beans or corn for more depth
*Last 5-6 days in the fridge

I Workout!

Sometimes when I am working out I breakout in a little "wiggle" when I hear a good song. 

It is so embarrassing when someone catches me mid-dance move.  

I am a horrible dancer - basically I have no rhythm.

Finding Strength Within

Today was definitely the hardest day I have ever had at camp. I pushed myself past what I thought was my limit in ever class. By lunch I didn't think I could walk again since I was EXHAUSTED from spinning & the stairs during beach boot camp. But I was determined to not give up, to push myself, to discover a new strength within me. I went to our afternoon classes and gave it my all. My body aches in ever place but I finished and more importantly I finished STRONG. Today was the best day! I am so thankful God has given me this amazing opportunity, brought wonderful people into my life, and has shown me that I am capable of so much more than I thought.

Pacific Ocean

Jumped in the Pacific Ocean for the FIRST TIME EVER! It was so exciting. After an incredibly hard day of working out and being pushed WAY outside my comfort zone, my friend Stephanie and I jumped into the icy water with all our clothes on. It was so rewarding! It was the perfect way to end a really hard day of busing my butt.

A special shout out needs to go to my man Johnny who was the one who pushed me all day. Starting with Calisthenics where he made me squat deeper and kick higher, to "dessert" consisting of 50 pushups, and then pushing me when I thought I had nothing left during beach boot camp. He was also kind enough to lend my his sweatshirt when I was freezing after my swim in the Pacific. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by encouraging and supportive people like him.

2nd Weigh In

This week's weigh in was bitter sweet. When I first heard how much I lost I broke down crying. I couldn't believe that I have been busting my butt and only lost 1.5 lbs. But thanks to my best friend Grace, she was able to talk me down and show me that losing is still losing. And she is right. That is still great! Plus my measurement changes are crazy!!!!

Neck: down .5 inches
Chest: down 1.5 inches A LITTLE SAD I HAVE NO BOOBS NOW
Arm: down .5 inches
Abs: down 2.5 inches HOW AMAZING IS THIS ONE!
Hip: down 1 inch
Thigh: down .75 inches
Calf: down .25 inches
Wrist: same

That is over 7 inches I have lost throughout my body!!!! I can't believe it!!! My body is changing and I am LOVING it. I feel so much healthier, stronger, and happier.

Thinspiration Sunday

Day 13: Twin Peaks

Every Friday the group takes the Twin Peaks challenge -- We try to beat our own personal records up this 2 mile straight up mountain. Last week I thought I was going to die when hiking and I had no idea how I was going to make it to the top again. Especially now that my knee hurt and my legs were sore. I had no desire to go on the hike, I was feeling incredibly lazy. But thankful, my friend told me "I hate working out too, but isn't that why we are all here." That really hit me close to my heart. That is exactly why I am here - I am lazy. And that is why I knew I had to do this hike.

I was scared I wouldn't beat my time or my knee would give out. But I knew I had to try no matter what. My body ached the enter way to the top. I thought my legs were going to give out any second. I thought I was moving so slow and would  never beat my time. But guess what?!?!? I BEAT MY TIME BY 2 MINUTES!!!!!!! That was the best feeling in the entire world. Being on top of that mountain, watching the sun set, and knowing I just pushed myself out of my comfort zone.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Happy Valentine's Day! I love you all so much!!! 

"There is no fear in love; perfect love casts away fear..." 

- 1 John 4:18

Day 8: I LOST 4.5 LBS

That's right! I lost 4.5 lbs this week!!!! I am so excited! And now with my knee feeling better and my pink eye all cleared up, I am confident that I can push myself harder and keep up the great work.

Exercise Design

When it comes to weight loss, you need a plan. You need to know the When, Where and What.

Cardio:

• Get your heart rate up! 
• You don't start burning fat till after 20 minutes of cardio. 
• You need 45-60 minutes of cardio 5-6 days a week. 

Weights:

• At least 40 minutes 4 days a week. 
• Work the major muscles first - Chest, back, shoulders, legs and butt
• Simulate functional movements (aka not sitting on the machine - use bands & free weights)
• Keep your focus on good form 

Metabolism:

• It is like a fire. If you keep adding a log the flame will stay strong. Eat 6 small meals a day to keep the flame burning. 
• Start your metabolism first thing in the morning with eating. If you are going to workout in the morning, have a protein shake
• Stay hydrated! For every minute you work out you should drink an ounce of water.

When?

• Do you plan to workout first thing in the morning? In the afternoon? At night after work?
• What days are you going to work out? Ex. Mon (cardio & weights), Tues (cardio & weights), Wed (Rest day), Thurs (cardio & weights), Fri (cardio & weights), Sat (cardio), Sun (Rest day). 

Where?

• Are you going to work out at home? In the park? At a gym? With a group? 
• Gyms are a good place to encourage you & stay focus -- plan it into your workout. If you go home after work to change for the gym, you can get distracted and not end up going
• Get comfortable on the equipment. Watch others.

What? 

• How are you going to work out? HAVE A PLAN. 
• Warmup for 5-10 minutes to get the blood flowing, then move on to weights (push/pull exercise & abs), then cardio & stretch 
• Don't get bored! Do intervals, run on trails/outside, take classes (kickboxing, zumba, spinning), do calisthenics
• Change up your workouts every 4 weeks 
• Add stability exercise - stand on a bosu ball, stand on one foot
• Increase your weights or increase your cardio speed or incline 

Progress & Regress:

• Progress = challenge yourself to more difficult variations of your exercise. Move from the machine to dumb bells, stand on a bosu ball, stand on one foot, stand on the bosu ball with one foot
• Regress = as you challenge your stability of the exercise, you might have to decrease the weights for a couple weeks 

Nutrition:

• If you don't combine your exercise with healthy eating then you are wasting your time. 
• Always fuel your body before you workout - don't skip meals!

Day 7: One Week Down

It has been one week since I started on this great adventure. I have had a lot of bumps along the road this week but I survived. I feel healthier, exhilarated, and already starting to crave working out.

Today was suppose to be our rest day but I was so anxious from not working out that I had to hit the gym. I worked out on the elliptical for 45 minutes - which is HUGE for me. I actually enjoyed it! I wasn't watching the clock and hoping it would end soon but instead was loving the burn and felt great.

Tomorrow is my first weigh in and I am pretty sure I won't be able to sleep tonight from the fear and anxiety inside me. I am so scared that I didn't lose weight or worse gained. I really need to work on not letting my fear and anxieties get the best of me.

The daily devotional below really resonates with me at the moment. I need to stop being afraid of the future and "trust in [His] unfailing love." I know I need to turn it all over to him and release my hold on the situation. I need to give in to the majestic plan he has for me.